Who Knew?

So I'm reading 20 Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew (by Sherrie Eldridge) and I learned a fascinating little factoid. If adopted kids know what their biological parents look like, or were at least told what they looked like, it is very common for the kids to choose mates who look like their biological parents (or how they picture them in their minds). My biological mother was Irish, with long red hair (much like me, although mine is bottle red. it does fit my white, freckled complexion though). And the guys I was attracted to in junior high (about the time I found out what my bio parents looked like) were the swarthy, Italian-looking types, Armand Assante, Jimi Jamison... And the ex-husband was Italian and had the dark hair & eyes that I always assumed my bio father had. They say that girls subconsciously choose men who remind them of their fathers, and it turns out was no different. I just chose guys who looked like the image of my bio father in my head. And by attempting to look like my bio mother, am I trying to recreate the dynamic of an ideal family? Even more bizarre, my current fiance reminds me of my adoptive father - not so much looks-wise, but in the way he acts and how he treats me. Do we ever really get away from our parents?

Dissertation: The Topic and Rules

I know I covered the topic I'm writing about in my first dissertation post, but I failed to mention how nerve-wracking that whole process was to me. I've seen dissertations and their topics seemed like they were written in a foreign language, all technical jargon and professional wordage. That has never been me. Because I went back to school at 39, and my vocabulary was pretty much set, acquiring the new psychological vocabulary has been almost impossible for me. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand what (most) of the words tossed about mean, but I have never understood why we have to use those big words when more common words were just as good. A practicum supervisor told me it was to separate ourselves from "the masses", to show that we had that extra schooling that everyone else lacked. Okay, I get that, we want to sound snooty and condescending to our clients, who are coming to us when they already feel like shit. Wait, why the fuck would we want to make people who are at their lowest feel worse about themselves? If I went to a therapist who used big 25 cent words when a 5 cent word is just as applicable, because they wanted to sound professional and "above me", I sure as hell wouldn't go back to them again.

Which takes us back to the topic. First rule, must be understandable by everyone. Maybe this isn't the proper dissertation format, but as long as I follow the rules of the dissertation and use the correct terminology within the research results portion of the paper, why can't the rest of it, the lit review and case studies, be in less technical language? This language rule effectively ruled out the more technical topics, because again, if I don't understand what I'm writing about, who else will? (besides the diehard psych professionals)

The second rule was that it had to be about something I cared about. I got that rule from a book on how to write a dissertation. If you are passionate about a topic, you're more likely to stay with it. If you're writing about something just to get a paper out of it, the chances are damn good that at the first sign of problems or boredom, you'll say "fuck this" and quit. From the previous topics I had considered, I had started to do research, locating several articles for the lit review. As I eventually ruled out all those topics, that meant that many hours of research was wasted. Why would I want to waste days/weeks/months starting a paper and quitting because I was bored?

The third rule was that I have to do something every single day related to the dissertation, be it researching articles, looking for books, planning my attack, whatever. Some days it's just talking to other people about, sort of feeling my way around it, getting ideas of where I'm going with it and what questions I want to answer. Since I found my topic, I've definitely been thinking about it a lot, with new ideas coming almost every day.

Those are my main rules. I'm sure once I get more into the process, I'll add more, as I like routine and order. Two of the books I ordered from Amazon arrived today, and I've already flipped through them. This dissertation journey is not only going to be a scholastic one, but a personal one. And quite honestly, I think that should be the real driving force behind a dissertation, not to just learn more about the topic, but also about yourself. What do you guys think? (anyone who might be reading these. and if so, thank you!)

The Dissertation

So I'm watching Julie and Julia and was inspired for a new blog topic, writing about the whole dissertation process. From the beginning - where I am right now - through the entire research process, the experimental data, the actual writing of it, and then the dreaded defense. Who knows, maybe it could become a book!

Dissertation: a fuck-long research paper with NEW research and information, in a written format of at least 80 pages, to be completed before they'll give you your PhD degree and call you doctor.

I admit that I am way behind some of my cohort as I have yet to begin my dissertation, despite having completed 4 of my 5 years of courses. This isn't to say that it hasn't been on my mind pretty much from the moment I was accepted into the PhD program. The research and writing portion don't scare me, I'm good at those. What scares me is finding a topic that can be stretched out to at least 80 pages and puts new information "out there", in a world where almost every single topic has been researched and written about forever. Many topics captured my attention, and were considered. The first was to study the brain scans of serial killers to see if there is a difference in scans between those of Caucasian men and men of other races. This topic came to be while watching Criminal Minds with a friend who asked why it is that 85% of serial killers are white males. Is there something in their brain make-up that differentiates them from other races? Since serial killers brain make-up is already different from "normal" people, would there be another difference from other races, and would that difference be the reason why the rates for white serial killers is so much higher? I loved that topic (and still do), but then reality crashed in. Where would I get all these brain scans? It's not like they're cheap and can be easily done at any medical facility or, more importantly, any prison. Soooo, scrapped that idea, but if I ever do end up working in the correctional system, this might be a topic I pursue.

The next topic was whether or not people who misinterpret musical lyrics also misinterpret social cues, thus decreasing their ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. This topic was an a ha moment while in the car with my fiance. "Every Breath You Take" came on the radio and we joked how many people considered it to be a romantic song and not what it really is, a song about a guy obsessed with a woman to the point of stalking her 24/7. This brought up the song "I Will Always Love You" and how many people play that as "their" song at their wedding. For fuck's sake, the woman in the song is LEAVING the man. Which led me to question if those brainless twats had successful marriages, considering they couldn't even correctly listen and interpret the most important song of their lives. My advisor actually loved the idea, but it just didn't seem like a topic that could be successfully studied. It would require 2-4 separate questionnaires, which is almost impossible to get completed by all the subjects being researched.

Next came the idea combining atheism and therapy, which really didn't go anywhere. The final topic I seriously considered was arguing for the inclusion of Depressive Personality Disorder in the DSM. I honestly believe it should be, as it is different from Dysthymia. DPD is a pervasive disorder that is part of who a person is, opposed to dysthymia, which is how a person feels. I was going to include treatment options for DPD, and I might still use this topic if my advisor doesn't like my topic.

The topic is.... Is there a correlation between adoption and personality disorders? This topic was inspired by A. personal experience, and B. an article I read about a former Top Chef winner who was adopted. Her description of her life and feelings and experiences was so similar to mine, as well as many other kids I knew growing up who were adopted. We don't have a family history, so we never really feel like we belong anywhere. We also don't have anything to live up to, so it frees us from consequences for our behavior. Testing people's acceptance of us by doing stupid shit, because deep down we believe that no one can really love us for who were are. If the very first people in our lives didn't want us, who the hell would want us? There is obviously something fundamentally flawed about us. Yes, I know 99% of that is just our flawed thinking, but just because I know it doesn't change anything. I'd really like to discover if there is a link between Borderline Personality Disorder and adoption, which means I will be reading a lot of books on adoption and psychological evals of people who were adopted, as well as devising a questionnaire to help determine if a person does have BPD. Are the rates higher for kids who were adopted? Is there any correlation between when a child i told about the adoption and possible development of personality disorders? Do biological children affect the development? So many questions!

So, to begin on the process, I have ordered several books from Amazon on the topic. I'll be writing again after I start reading the books. If anyone is reading this, stay tuned!